smilesformiles

"Put the bullet in the barrell take the safety off keep shootin' at the devil in the moonlight put it all on black till your luck comes back we're all waitin' for the end." Murder by death, masters in reverse physcology. Isn't it strange that no matter how many times you can load up your gun and prepare for the end to come, the safteys on. Once again taunting this ever longing dream of being free from this entraptment. Hoping that once and for all that you could cure yourself but the devil is there to make sure that you come a little bit closer to him, ensuring your place ever after. But really if this quote wasn't a line from a story then i would argue it. Because if your ready to put the bullet in the barrell and what if you kepp shooting at the devil, but what if that devil is you. STARING BACK, and it drives you stark raving mad that the one thing that you have to kill to be free of this misery, this morbid damp infinite misery is yourself. Then why would you put it all on black why would you rely on that if you were ready for the bullet in the barrell. If your ready for the bullet then you cant hope that your luck will come back, if your willing to take that chance, then you've asumed that your luck wont come back.
But isn't it true that were all waiting for the end, in one way or another we are waiting for the end. And its sad, just so damn depressing that i feel helpless, like im going to vomit and i cant help myself. Wouldn't it be amazing, if you could just snap yourself out of this cold balnk stare that your giving yourself. This masicistic cycle of reflection and pondering and caring and breathing and loathing and loving and crying it all just gets so hard after awhile.
So while we wait for our own respective ends we kind of hope that it comes a little bit sooner. Thats so sick.

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to die at disney world. Just imagine what it would be like to be staturated with this mechinical hapiness (isn't that all hapiness) and then you just look up and there it is. Your personal death vechile ready to transport you to the next life or lead you to the end. I dont know i thought that it was an ironic way to die and thought that that fit my mood for today irony and death fun combination. Qoute of the entry time..... "Makes no difference Our alphabet is missing letters Seventeen, embalmed and caskets
Lowered into the weather A drizzle, brisk and profound." At the drive-in napoleons solo. Lets go through the list, Jack happy with le ann, Gerry happy with shayne, Chris is happy with hand-jela (hahaha), and i am here to sit in between to valleys of romantic bliss, its to bad i started here and didn't get the opportunity to jump down. There is always a cacophony of i love you's and kisses through walls at my dorm. To kisses down the hall i my dorm building, in gerry's building everywhere and i just want it all to must till i get it togther a little bit you know. If it doesn't stop i think that my mind is going to pass right through my fragile skull. it may sound silly but this was all inspired when i caught a glimpse of her today. Their is no need to say her name it just makes me crumble. Anyway i saw her and agian i froze, but this time she didn't see me. Luckily for me i found out where she worked and now i can get the nerve to talk to her. But until then i get to wallow in my own inability to make myslef happy, or even change myslef to make my self happy. And the noise of love became so very apparent and my unhappy single state (to me stuck out like a sore thumb) and i just wanteda place to hide. Anyway till next time, i cant, but smile for miles

THank you to everyone that comment on my journal, normally my words are just hallow and are never caught are our heard. Like china vases that should be saved but are shatterd on the ground thank you all for giving me a shwer to cry on. Anyway Qoute of the day........"I just feel it, everythings fine, spit on yourslef, your so beautiful." 43% brunt by the dillinger escape plan. To explain... everythings fine, jack realized gerry wasn't trying to bang leann, she was just being a hoe and was hitting on him. They made up (Jack and Gerry) last night Jack was talking with leann and so i had to leave my dorm because they couldn't find anywhere else. Anyway i was left to walk these streets, and i was feeling fine. I had really got over my last girl friend and was ready to feel good and alone and enjoy myself but. As i was walking a heavy snow began to fall an d along with cold i felt renewed it was a cathartic experience. I was just standing in the snow when i saw her, it was just insane that classic cliches that came to mind. It was like a monet painting, the shilouette, or like a robert frost poem. But anyway i couldn't do anything, espaically stop starring at her. So i guess i made herawkward along with myslef, which is what i do when i am around grils i think are pretty. Anyway she came and talked to me, i didn't say much besides my name and where i go to school, its kind of dorky but people are always impressed when i tell them where i go. Anyway i foundsout her name was Emma and that she goes to BU. I didn't say much so she said "I'll see you later" and it just sounded like a lyric and as soon as she left my heart sanj as well as me. I went home and the hoe was gone and they resolved everything so jack was in a good mood so he wasn't much help, but he told me his theory about me. He called me romantic which is just aanother word for emo or a pansy which i dont mind, and he also said this was going to be another of my wierd obessions. But screw him. Anyway i hope thats its not another wierd obessions, dont want to whip my tears with my tourn-out heart agian. it just seems so futile to care about someone beacuse they just use you, and minipulate you its just so argh. Anyway, i hope that wounds will heal and my skin will grow tougher. Anyway till i talk to you all agian remember your smiles for miles. (sorry about spelling errors if their are any.)

Quote of the day by miles,"i could never swallow your false ideas of a lifeless happy ending. I could never." Poison the well helps me sleep in those nights when i dont want to wake up. That was last night, jack got into a fight with his "best girl" as he likes to call her and we just stayed up all night talking listening to poison the well because they just write lyrics that encompass the human spectrum and just are just so angry. Anyway jack was balling and i couldn't help him and he just wanted me to and so we got into a fight and it all went to hell. So i walked the streets of Boston all night and i just wondered why life had to be this way. These nights are so cold in these cities that the tears freeze to my face and the lights from lamps become stale. I went and visited Gerry because really he is at the root of all our problems. Apaprently Le Ann, jacks girl, was coming on to Gerry. Gerry of course is going out with shayne who goes to BU with him, and gerry isn't like that. I actually met Gerry when i first moved from the domican REpublic, and hes not like that. So it seems that we are in a fickle here in boston, and i hope we can all get to be friends agian. When i took my bath this morning I just lost in the idea that this was all in my mind, and that this would be healed easily. But for the fragile carcasss of man wounds take long to heal, and his shattered ego will never be whole. "I could never swallow your false ideas of a lifeless happy ending." Live through it till next time, and remember to smile for miles.